am so bad / only negative words describe me / will die early / waste of resources / live in a country of prostitutes / endlessly mocked / destined to work a low class job in eduction or something / probably will. E be unknown forever / fat from poverty and sickness / lost the war / lost the battle / lost everything / just kill me / angsty teen / bullied / bully / worst person ever / deserves to be victim of a hate crime / should be shot and killed / should be hit by a car / should be knifed / should be decapitated / should have nails ripped out and replaced with fake nails / should be dead of disease / should be dead by bugs/ complete faggot / fucking ametuer / the worst / should be dead by fire / undeniably stupid / literally special education / inferior / deformed / low iq / low social status / died early / murderous :”/ unlucky / stupid / ugly / chinese / girl / hooker / whore / knives / bad with money / bad at everything / makes going out not worth it / easily kick out able / no one wants to even look at you / black hair / dumb / fat / disgusting / pig / not even death will look at you / scary / uncomfortable / quits easily / abusive / neglectful / unhealthy / muggle(?) / cheats / calls too often / enemy of the state / barely functioning / unmarketable / forgot everything about making money / backwards / selfish / toxic / dangerous / too princess / curses / bitchy / unlovable / idiotic / sad / has emotions / short / bad at using weapons / bad eyesight / terrible grammar / fob (fresh off the boat) / does not belong / worthless / trash / bad taste in everything / bad at poetry / bad at writing / copied all my homework / made my friends cry / was cold and uncaring / was cruel with emotions / was cynical and hurt people / only tolerated bc of money and talent / too experimental / not friendly enough / distasteful / rude / offensive / nightmarish / incorrect spine / incorrect proprotions / ugly top half / fucking unlovable bottom half / bad at losing fat / slow at building muscle / unkempt / useless / materialistic / greedy / quick to give up / spends free time writing lists like these / wastes time / wastes energy / pretends / has imagination / dirty / turbulent / was on an airplane / took public transportation / printed paper / fought / martial / was hit / was hurt / cries / baby / retaliative / bad personality / chinese (again) / south. Korean / a girl / been out in public / deserves to be put away / ill / mentally ill / causes stigma / not even worth writing about / comes from a small area / lives in a country with a minimum wage / is military / disgraceful / bad manners / low class / would commit crime / passionless / easily deterred / not worth having around / unacceptable / dreams / hopes / plays / cares about education / old / childless / spends time with strangers / dislikes anything at all / monster / vaccinated / removes nails and rusted objects / safety conscious / artist / failed chemist / failed school / failed tests / stressed out / from a foreign country / smells / lazy / dim / boring / purposeless / jobless / enemy / hated / fat / goblin / frigid / unmovable / weird / black hair / bad skin shape / enemy / overpopulated / disquieting / bookish / lies / slanders / too funny / even takes up any space at all / stressful / uninteresting / bitchy (again) / serf / slave / peasant / unprotected / unprofessional / mocking / can’t pronounce the letter r or f / again, has emotions / gaslighting / terrible / grew up and did not die an angel / too gangly / tattoos (eyebrow) / disappointing / mediocre/ weapons / goes to places I shouldn’t / a bad person / rigid / bad / feminist/ retarded / weak / spends too much time talking / person of color / religious / short (again) / speaks more than one language / deserves to be put in jail / bad driver / prison/ uses stuff for things it’s not meant for / creepy / stalker / japanophile / supports discrimination / supports anything problematic / barely has time for myself / weak / idiotic / wrong / the same as everyone else / too heroic / too protagonist / likely to be charged guilty in court / loser / psychotic / brain dead / inherited illness / bitter / dark / poor / almost an animal / rabid / acts without thinking / acts without others / selfish / strange / prone to fighting for no reason / several ways to blackmail me / apologetic without meaning it / eliminated / ritualistic / bad at talking / no friends / family hates me / which is dumb bc this whole thing is supported by my family / believes in literally anything / gullible / will not respect anyone else who tells me not to do anything / takes too long with tasks / not punctual / late / does not know self / literally everyone just wants me dead or something / Only brings negative things into the world / should just leave for being flawed / uses too many words with no numbers / political / activist / pretends to be nice / rough / cant follow directions / sexually … / american / needs support / cannot give anything back / only uses resources and does not supply / not bibical / probably nothing worth talking about / public outbursts / not understandable / ugly / ugly / ugly / bad looking / easily lost / loses things / wastes time / spends too much money / does not return things / does not give out favors / expects anything at all / “could i have what you have” / bossy / bad impression / tastes terrible / easily replaceable / anyone could do what i do / unmarketable / unsellable / annoying / takes time
i saw a comic with a girl who was facing sexual harassment in the workplace so they replaced him with someone older and fatter who was still harassing her and I think about it sometimes because it was just a fnaf post but to me it was so sad to see her used as the butt of the joke. i realized nothing i said will ever be taken seriously and no one wants to listen to me and it’s pointless to even try. even if i did report something i would just make a lot of hits, be hated on, then moved somewhere more remote and pointless. so it’s better just to fit in and pray you don’t live somewhere easily attacked or that suffers from illness and harm. cause we’re all defenseless. i really liked brave new world. i know it was mostly commentary on the relations between india and the british empire, but to me the scenes where the main character is writing about where he’ll probably be assigned really struck a chord deep in my heart. it’s so stupid too, since moving around isn’t even a universal experience. i didn’t even read any read books, even though I should have sat through the scarlet letter or the crucible. you know, no one ever responded to me when i was telling them how i was doing or how life was. i know it’s pointless to care about the people around me, but it really hurt inside whenever i wanted to compare life to something we were learning and no one cared. it shattered my soul. i don’t want someone who says they’ll care but then just use me for their own selfish gain. i don’t want someone who is chasing me out of some sick misunderstood life purpose. things are already mixed up and terrible, I can’t handle being a part of this system where people look down on me and expect me to be happy when they talk about my lower traits, as if it makes anything worth going for. People are always expecting me to care, or to gossip back, or to act like i belong when i really don’t. even though my writing may make me seem decent or whatever, it’s a completely false portait. i’m just the most recent form of whatever character was desired. like that teen titans go compared to the original teen titans. it’s just being a newer cash grab, with some insipid insights to the current day. it’s barely going to last.
At some point i realized i was just going to be a minority who didn’t really know the cultural intricacies so i just accepted all the negative terms and decided to cry and write it out in my room. but you know how i know no one really cares? The only people who would bother with me are always shorter or more unpleasant than i am. it’s always someone from a rural area or someone who spent a lot of time learning that comes by and bothers me. i realized that i can ignore it. i am myself and while my opinion doesn’t matter, it really hurts when someone who is from somewhere ”better” tries to erase my culture and who i am, then tries to add me into their group. i didn’t work like this just to be with someone even worse than i am.
My mom’s sister died in her late teens.
There are certain things too personal to post on wordpress.
My dad told me to stop erasing things, but I find him deleting the very same items I post.
one time in high school i wrote a deeply personal poem and it was shared with the class. in hindsight i should have known it would be read by everyone but i wrote it from a place of deep sadness and loneliness. when it was returned to me, there were so many comments on it. i knew it wouldn’t matter what i did after that. the work was already out there, read by my peers. i cried when i went home that night (edgy, i know, like a stupid view grubbing worm), and i sobbed because i was sick and nothing could be done about it. i even looked at other people’s works to see if anyone else had as many lines as i did. not to my surprise, there were several of my classmates who had more reactions compared to my own. i knew it didn’t matter what i got when looking at their score, but god i felt stupid when i realized i did so fucking bad no one even wrote more than eight lines. i felt so fucking stupid when i realized that i barely placed anything in at all. i felt sick and ugly and deranged and perfectionistic. i just wanted to leave the classroom and try to take care of my fucking deteriorating state.
i feel like a god damn idiot sometimes, since i’m just hated.
my older brother was talking about his job and he mentioned anyone could do what i do. i guess i did shut down, but i just can’t tolerate listening to someone talk to me like that.
i know it’s not up to standard, i know i’m not up to living on, that only the best can survive, but why am i still here if that’s the case?
I see these posts online by people who would shoot me if they had the chances. i’m hated and the enemy and only good for one thing at all. why are you even still reading this? it’s not worth your time.
i guess these are all terms i can use to describe myself or have been said around me so i just posted them in hopes someone would cry about it. These are all the English ones, Chinese and Korean have them too. i should say nothing about my heritage though.
best of luck if you scroll through this, jacky